This will be the third consecutive year this event has taken place and it is scheduled to air as a special on ABC closer to the holiday season. In addition to the great show that Jennifer and company will put on, the country sensation is encouraging attendees to bring an unwrapped toy to donate to help Nashville-area children in need.

For more on this event, you can visit the Bridgestone Arena’s website.

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We get a brief recap of the season and then the dancers come out flying faster than they do during the dreaded choreography round on “So You Think You Can Dance.” Oooh, it’s finally happening! We’re getting the duet I’ve dreamed about all season between my future BFF, Jennifer Nettles, and Kelly Clarkson‘s vocal chords of steel. They’re singing “Would I Lie to You?” by the Eurythmics, and although I had hopes for something country (cough “Does He Love You?” cough), beggars can’t be choosers. Not surprisingly, they sound fantastic together, but their outfits definitely leave something to be desired. Fresh off her stint as Carmen San Diego last week, Jennifer is now moonlighting as MC Hammer with a pair of low-crotched baggy and sparkly pants. I know she’s pregnant and all, but I’m thinking she started on the special maternity pants a little too early. Also of note, last week, KC was milking a foot injury and being carried around by male dancers, and tonight she’s hopping around like Tigger on crack. However, she’s traded in her heels for a pair of black Payless-esque flats, and due to this, appears to be a good 4 feet shorter than Jennifer. In fact, at one point, I wonder if Jennifer is going to eat her.

Oh look, there’s our trusty host, Quiznos in a tuxedo to remind us that it’s a “special, special night.” I’m wondering if it’s his prom afterwards. The judges’ bowling alley booths are once again filled with people we forgot existed. There’s Jordan (looking fantastic, I might add) and the girl who butchered “Since U Been Gone” and the girl that never wore pants (still not wearing pants)! Yay, the gang’s all here. Where’s Johnny Gray? Does anyone even remember him?

Since she was John Legend’s last standing amateur, Bridget “Hoop Earrings” Carrington is back to take the stage. She and John perform “Gimme Shelter” by the Rolling Stones and I am frightened by how John’s eyes pop out at one point during this performance. In that moment, he transforms from Fozzie to one of those plaid-pajama-wearing, puppy Peeper Pals. Much like during the competition, Bridget continues to be unremarkable and now we know why America gave her the boot. She looks nearly identical to one of the show’s backup singers, and I think we may have found her future…

My disdain for our next pair was not hidden over the course of the show, so I will try to contain my excitement as Jimmy Neutron and the human incarnation of a Bratz doll, Olivia Chisholm, take the stage. I just think that if people liked her, she wouldn’t have been eliminated. And if people liked Robin, he’d be famous. She’s awkwardly sprawled out on his piano and they are falsetto-ing their way through “Fever.” Would it have been too much to ask for a cheery rendition of the “Growing Pains” theme song? I think not.

Since this show is actually a finale for a competition, it’s time to focus on the Top 3. Super sassy John Glosson is up first, looking much like the Stay Puff Marshmallow Man in a VERY unfortunate shiny jacket. Clearly he and Jennifer shop at the same stores. We get a recap of John’s “journey,” which reminds us that he sang a lot of cheesy ballads and is the one person on the planet with less rhythm than Jennifer. They take the stage and perform a really pretty rendition of “For Good” from Wicked. I know very little about how this song fits into the musical, but I do know that the show is about witches. I really wish Jennifer had painted herself green for this performance. We go to the judges who “ooh” and “ahh” over John once again. Q-bert asks John Legend if he feels emotional tonight and he feigns human emotion. In reality, he’s about as feeling as Olmec on “Legends of the Hidden Temple.”

Jason Farol is up next with Kelly Clarkson, and they’re doing a soulful, smoky version of the Elvis classic “Heartbreak Hotel.” The video montage shows Jason’s growth and Kelly’s makeover. It’s crazy what a little bleach, a boyfriend and a few trips to the gym did for that girl. They sound great together, and we’re finally at a point where Jason seems truly comfortable on stage. It’s kind of sad for him that this show is ending just as he is reaching his stride. The “superstahs” all point out his growth, while Cadoodle makes a terribly awkward joke in which he compares Jason to Tom Cruise. Um, for some reason, I doubt that Jason practices Scientology, jumps on couches or wants to marry Joey Potter.

We cut to our fearless host, Quirky McTuxerton, standing in the audience, surrounded by a biker dude who looks like he hasn’t showered in weeks and a giant cowboy hat. He introduces the next recap and we learn that J. Rome, his mole and Jennifer are singing “Rhythm of the Night” by El DeBarge. I immediately deem it an odd pick until one of my Twitter friends remind me that DeBarge once sang to Punky Brewster (Here’s the Youtube link if you need a good laugh). I’m not going to lie, I can see that Punky & J.Net are kindred spirits, so it makes an ounce of sense. This performance is cheesetastic, complete with Little Ricky impersonators awkwardly banging bongo drums around the stage. Also, at some point during this show, the judging tablets of doom multiplied and each judge now has 2 tablets- that they aren’t using. What is happening on this show?! It doesn’t matter, everyone loves J.Rome.

At this point, the results almost seem like an afterthought, but someone has to win that coveted record deal with Hollywood Records. The 3 J’s join Quailman on stage, and our host is just so excited that I actually wouldn’t be surprised to see him wearing his underwear outside of his pants and a belt on his head. Anyway, he quickly reveals that Jason finished in third place and this competition is now a civil war between both members of Team Jennifer. Clearly, the winner of this show is actually Ms. Nettles.

There is a dramatic pause, some moody music and then it’s revealed that…John Glosson STILL has a wife! Just kidding! J. Rome wins! If this was Nickelodeon “Guts,” he just conquered the confetti and crazy lights of the Aggro Crag faster than all the others. The also-rans and superstars rush the stage, and they all sing “Signed, Sealed, Delivered” like this is an episode of “The Brady Bunch” and they are just one big ol’ happy family. If they wanted a classic cheesetastic song, I would’ve suggested “Friend Forever” by the Zack Attack. (Hey, it wouldn’t be a Duets review without a “Saved By the Bell” reference!)

Unfortunately, I was wrong in predicting that Jason would nab the win on the strength of his adorability and his mentor, but I was also wrong when I predicted that Kelly would win “World Idol” and instead lost to a Norwegian plumber. So, what do I know? J. Rome is the winner of “Duets” and my Thursday night’s just opened up. Clearly, I need a hobby, or for “The Voice” to come back.

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Based on the recap at the beginning of tonight’s episode, it seems I didn’t miss much last week except for Olivia (finally) getting the boot and Kelly Clarkson wearing a boot. Apparently the amateurs took on standards, or songs no one wants to hear anywhere but an elevator. I yawn just thinking about it.

We’re kicking off this week’s show with a performance from our superstars, singing “Get Ready” by the Temptations. I had no idea that lyrics of this song included “So twiddle dee-dee, twiddle dee-dum.” I guess you learn something new every day. Fozzie is dressed like Fonzie and Jennifer Nettles is rocking quite the large fedora. Robin Thicke‘s hair looks even more ebullient than normal. Must be all that Porsche-crashing he’s been doing lately. Speaking of crashing, Kelly took quite the tumble in concert and is now being carried around by some hot male backup dancers due to a broken foot. Tough life.

The 3 J’s (John, Jason, J.Rome) and Bridget hit the stage to find out their fates. Having taken no lessons from Ryan Seacrest, our host Quesadilla spews out the results like the possessed girl from the Exorcist in that infamous pea-soup-vomit scene. John and Bridget are the bottom 2, and Bridget is eliminated. Apparently, she sang “Unforgettable” last week. Too bad she didn’t make it through this week to sing “Ironic.” Ultimately, to win this show, your name must start with a J.

J. Rome and Carmen San Diego are up first with “Breakeven” by The Script. Although it’s a decent performance, it’s far from J.Rome’s best. Considering that his musical wheelhouse seems to be soul and R&B, this pop-rock track makes little sense. Equally nonsensical: the metallic fringe on his vest. All of the judges praise J. Rome and blahblahblah, it’s obvious who the show’s producers wants to win.

Jason Farol and Kelly Clarkson are up next, taking on Jason’s choice “Me and Mrs. Jones” by Billy Paul, which saved Jason from elimination in a sing off a few weeks prior. They sound great together, but it’s hard to tell if it’s because of Jason or Kelly or the weird sparkly pendant she is wearing around her neck. Unfortunately, they choose to sit on stools while performing. Sue me, but I was hoping for some dance moves a la “the Sprain,” made famous by Screech and Lisa Turtle at The Max. Jennifer loved it, John didn’t and Robin wished it was naughtier. No surprises there.

The Jennifer Nettles show continues with John Glosson. They tackle “The Prayer” by Andrea Bocelli and Celine Dion, and thankfully, Jennifer has lost the fedora. Instead, she has become a country singer, singing Italian Opera. I suddenly feel like I’m in the backwoods of Alabama and my fourth-removed second cousin’s third wife is ordering Manicotti, yet pronouncing it “Monnagutt,” like a Sopranos cast member. Overall, they still sound great together, and I can imagine a CD from John being chock-full of these kinds of ballads that make old ladies (see: Claymates) swoon. When he extends himself into the up tempos, he comes off too cheesy a la Derrick on Full House singing “Yankee Doodle Dandy.”

Although this show is all about the duets, it’s time for some solo performances and J. Rome is up first with Stevie Wonder’s “Signed, Sealed, Delivered.” It’s slick and polished and cruise-shippy and everything you’d expect from him. He’s confident without coming off conceited, but it’s pretty clear that J. Rome thinks he’s got this competition signed, sealed and delivered. We shall see.

John Glosson continues his quest for domination of Adult and Christian Contemporary radio with “Bless the Broken Road” by Rascal Flatts. He may look like Graham Elliott from MasterChef, but he certainly pulls off a convincing Gary LeVox. In fact, he out rascals the Flatts with this performance, causing Jennifer to throw up her arms and proclaim that she “feels like a stage mom!”

Up last is Jason Farol with “Runaway Baby,” by Bruno Mars, and it’s nice to see him tackle a contemporary song. Although he is sometimes drowned out by the music, his swagger and stage presence have grown in leaps and bounds since this show began. He performs the song much like a runaway baby, jumping up on the audience and jogging around the judges.

We go to the superstars for some last comments. Robin was blown away by Jason, John loved Jason’s energy, but would choose to sign J. Rome to a record deal. Jennifer and Kelly both love everyone and are just.so.happy.tonight. I’ll have whatever those two had before this show, and I’m also demanding that they duet next week.

It’s hard to believe that there’s only one week left, and although the prize for winning this show is even blurrier than the Lost Boys’ food during the food fight scene in “Hook,” someone is going to win something! J. Rome is the safe bet, but I’m putting my money on Jason Farol to take the (multicolored and randomly appearing) cake. He’s got the charm and appeal, the underdog story and Kelly Clarkson on his side. Although KC’s endorsement didn’t quite work for Ron Paul, I have a feeling Jason Farol may fare better with the American voters. Only time will tell!

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Moving right along, the show begins with something I will nerdily admit that I’ve missed the last few week’s: a performance from the judges. The fab 4 hit the stage to riff their way through George Michael’s “Freedom,” which clearly fits perfectly with the night’s theme, Song of the Millennium. Erm, what? Also, Robin Thicke may have tried to dress like 80′s-style George Michael, but instead, he looks much more like “90210″-style Dylan McKay, ready to break some hearts at West Beverly High. Speaking of West Bev, Kelly Clarkson has transformed from Brenda Walsh into Kelly Taylor between tapings. Well played, KC.

Our always SO EXCITED host, Quetzalcoatl (Google it.) points out how much the superstars have changed, even more than I just did. Since last week’s episode, big things have happened, like Robin Thicke growing a beard. My BFF, Jennifer Nettles announced that she’s having a baby and I took up knitting in the hopes of being able to make some booties in time. Kelly Clarkson somehow found a time machine that transported her back about 7 years to exactly what she looked like in 2005, and John Legend, is still dull. And muppet-like.

Quddus reminds us that Jennifer Nettles is now the only superstar with 2 contestants left. Now that we know she’s pregnant, it’s obvious she’s been singing for two all along. Interestingly enough, her unborn fetus still has more charisma and talent than Robin Thicke.

First up tonight is Jennifer Nettles and John Glosson, who we learn has A WIFE and a wedding design store. And that’s all I’m going to say about that. He’ll be taking on “When You Say You Love Me” by Josh Groban, and once again, he and Jennifer sound great together. However, it’s more of the same, and I think I’d love to hear this song if I was in an elevator or a dentist chair wearing one of those iron vests that protect your organs from radiation damage. Anyway, Johnny G is way more mega-church than Madison Square Garden, and there’s nothing wrong with that. As the song comes to a close, there’s some theatrics and for a split second, I think they might make out. Now I’m just super uncomfortable and find myself trying to decide if John looks more like Slimer or the Stay-Puff Marshmallow Man. I’m thinking the latter.

Next up is Robin Thicke and Olivia “Why the heck are you still on this show?” Chishholm. Seriously, why is Jordan gone and this Beyonce by-product still on my television? If Beyonce was an organic, farm-raised chicken, Olivia would be all the leftover pieces that they grind up into pink slime to make into a school lunch chicken nugget. Robin has chosen one of the best songs of the last few years, and considering that this is a country music blog, I should be excited by his choice of Lady Antebellum‘s “Need You Now.” However, they kill it, and not in a good way. Olivia mentions that this song will show off her strong voice, but instead, it sounds like she’s singing into a tin can. Robin Thicke is certainly no Charles Kelley, except for the fact that they both wear exceptionally tight pants. On certain parts of the song, namely the extended “nows,” Olivia’s sounds like her vocal chords are in a losing battle with a small goat. Now-ow-ow-OW, my ears. The judges try to be nice, but it’s obvious they hated it. I did too.

As we cut to commercial break, I’m wondering if ABC borrowed the superstars’ chairs from that terrible dating show, “The Choice.” Is THAT how Jennifer Nettles got pregnant? Quddus, where do babies come from?

Hitting the stage next are Kelly Clarkson and my TV boyfriend, Jason Farol, taking on Duffy’s “Mercy.” Since the last show, Jason has found some serious swagger, while Kelly found a bottle of peroxide. If she was Miley last week, this week, she is most definitely Hannah Montana. Their performance starts with Jason front and center, hips a-swiveling, while KC takes on backup duties before joining him up front for a full out duet. Together, these two slay the song. I’m not sure where THIS Jason has been hiding the last few weeks, but I’m glad he finally showed up. He picked the right moment to shine and if there were any girls watching tonight between the ages of say 12 and 40, I bet he scored some votes. A tweet from Reba appears on the screen supporting Team Kelly, and I file that under “things not shocking.”

John Legend and Bridget Carrington are up next to take on “Already Go…” I mean, “Halo” by Beyonce. Somewhere, Ryan Tedder is cackling in a stack of money. The way Fozzie sings is totally distracting and someone needs to let him know that he doesn’t need to open his mouth so wide when he sings to prove he’s articulating. Instead, I’m just waiting for him to throw a pie at us or something. Bridget shines here and all of the judges praise her, and for the first time, I’m a Bridget fan.

Last but not least is front-runner J. Rome. He and J. Net will be tackling “Without You” by Usher and David Guetta, or Gwedda if you ask Jennifer. I think that’s a kind of cheese. This video package only reaffirms my desire to be BFFs with Jennifer. This song definitely plays to J. Rome’s strengths and style as an artist, but the performance itself feels like it just lept off the CMT Crossroads stage. J. Rome is smooth and a decent dancer, but Jennifer looks like a marionette who just got her strings cut and found out she can move her arms and legs freely. It’s awkward yet oddly entertaining. The judges love J. Rome once again, and in what must be the utter display of love or an attempt to knock him in the vocal chords, Kelly hurls her sparkly heel at him.

There we have it…the first live episode is a wrap! Although it’s pretty clear who SHOULD go home, it will be interesting to see who actually does. Unfortunately, I wouldn’t be shocked to see John Glosson get the boot. He sang first, was rather forgettable and may fall prey to Jennifer’s fans being forced to split their votes between two contestants. However, I’ll keep my fingers crossed for the chicken nugget, Olivia, to get kicked out of this Happy Meal.

Who did you vote for, and more importantly, whose flame should be extinguished on “Duets” island?

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After a brief recap of last week’s “dramatic” show that sent Meleana packing, our very monochromatic host, Quackerjack, tells us, “Tonight, it’s about to go down.” Um, okay. Basically that means this show will be more of the same, with mediocre performances, glimmers of greatness and the worst scoring system since the figure skating event at the 2002 winter Olympics (2 gold medals!). It’s worth noting is that this is the last week of the ominous sing-off and starting next week, America will decide who stays and who goes. Ya know, if anyone is still watching this show by next week…

Anywho, first out of the gate are Jennifer Nettles and John Glosson. Jennifer casually mentions that “aesthetic-wise,” John doesn’t “speak to one of the judges.” I’m not positive, but I think she just called him fugly. They are going to be tackling Celine Dion’s overwrought and overplayed ”My Heart Will Go On.” This song still gets on my nerves, ever since a local radio station would play it for every spot on their nightly countdown when I was in about 7th grade. Shut up Celine, shut up Jack and just let go already. Gosh. Jennifer feels that John should just accept the fromage factor, and he is like a can of Cheeze Whiz squirted atop a log of Velveeta on a dairy farm in Wisconsin. Also, can someone please explain to me why Jennifer is wearing a burgundy velvet pantsuit over a shirt made of tin foil. Tin foil shirts and queso aside, he gets a standing ovation, the judges praise the vocals, and he takes first place.

Jordan’s parents show up to rehearsal, as do Kelly Clarkson‘s curtains in the form of a dress. Her dad tells us that “Since U Been Away” was a very popular song amongst his family. Oh Daddy Pink-Hair, you just butchered the song worse than Meleana did last week. They’ll be tackling the typical-80s power ballad “Take My Breath Away.” I’m immediately hoping we stay true to the original rather than Jessica Simpson’s painfully breathy cover that hit radio in the early-2000′s. The performance is lacking any real oomph and the song doesn’t play well as a duet. Kelly occasionally tossed in some harmonies, but she clearly tries to let Jordan shine, but unfortunately, our pink-haired heroine falls short and barely glistens. Frankly, I’m bored and only find myself wondering how Kelly appears to lose about 10 pounds per episode of this show. Whatever diet she’s on, sign me up! The judges are lukewarm on the performance, and Jordan falls behind John.

Olivia Chisholm faced elimination last week, so Robin and his punny self chose “Stayin’ Alive” for this week’s performance. I immediately find myself praying for irony with this song. Has Robin’s wedding ring always been so giant? Are Olivia’s bangs real? Do the dancers on this show actually enjoy backing up Robin Thicke and his creepy falsetto? All questions aside, for the first time ever, his John Travolta hair makes sense. Despite giving “WTF?” faces throughout the performance, all of the judges give rave reviews and Olivia jumps ahead of Jordan. Frankly, if THAT was Staying Alive, I want to die.

Next up is Mr. Muppet Mumbler, John Legend, and Madame Hoop Earrings, Bridget Carrington, with the Tina Turner classic “What’s Love Got To Do With It.” It’s the best song choice of the night so far, but something about Bridget screams “backup singer” and not “superstar.” I just don’t think she connects well with the audience. She and John have decent chemistry, but if John was Zack Morris, she’d be his Stacey Carosi in comparison Alicia Keys’ Kelly Kapowski. Also, there is something extremely awkward about her pronunciation of “love” in this song. It actually sounds like she’s saying “What’s loaves got to do with it?” The answer to that just might be everything if you’re Katniss and Peeta. The judges all like the performance…blah, blah, blah…She’s in second place.

Man, this show is not holding my attention tonight. I’m honestly more entertained by the commercials, but they bring up SO many questions and feelings. Is Brave about a Scottish Reba McEntire in the Hunger Games?! Who will Emily pick on The Bachelorette and what the heck is The Glass House about?! I wish my name was Sade Baderinwa. Should I be embarrassed by how badly I want to see Magic Mike? Is it really going to be 100 degrees tomorrow? Gosh, I think I have A.D.D.

Oooh shiny object! Oh it’s Jennifer Nettles and her metallic shirt! J. Rome and Jennifer are tackling “I Will Always Love You” by the late, great Whitney Houston. Moment of silence, por favor. Their rehearsal clip is hilarious and my bff, J. Net, offers to help the always apathetic John Legend find some empathy before singing her advice for J. Rome in some weird country-meets-Broadway-meets-cartoon-character voice. I’ve always wondered what a Whitney-Dolly version of this song would sound like, and this is it! All kidding aside, J. Rome knocks this song out of the park. Maybe we should just end the show now, crown him winner and put us all out of our misery. The camera cuts to Kelly, who clearly gives J. Rome the highest score possible on her judging tablet of doom. She may be able to sing, but methinks her generous scoring is unintentionally sabotaging her own contestants. She raises her hand to speak first except she speaks so fast that I have no idea what she says aside from something about her heels, “pffft,” and “I love you.” The other judges praise him as well, and John Legend fake cries, but surprise, surprise, J. Rome is in first place.

My adorable teenybopper crush, Jason is up next. Kelly says what I’ve been saying all along and that’s that if he makes it to the live shows, America will love him. I agree. He’s got something that most of the other contestants (See: Bridget) lack. It’s almost a Bieber-lite vibe. Go Jason go! They’ll be taking on “Come What May” from Moulin Rouge, which is a movie I have never seen. Kelly, on the other hand, admits that she’s seen it 13.5 times, which has clearly affected her brain, as she tells the camera she hopes Jason impresses “Jennifer, John and Paul.” Clearly, she doesn’t know where she is or how she ended up on this train wreck of a show either. I’m glad they chose this song instead of “Lady Marmalade,” because despite his cuteness, I doubt Jason can rock a garter and bustier. They sound good together, but the clear issue is that Kelly overpowers Jason once again. The judges give him a tepid response and he tumbles down the leader board to last place.

Unfortunately, tonight’s acapella showdown is now an awkward civil war between Team Kelly, as Jason and Jordan face off, with one of them advancing to the live shows and the other clamoring to extend their 15 seconds of fame on Twitter. Jason is singing a song called “Momma Knows Best” that I’m unfamiliar with, but for the first time, I agree with Fozzie Legend on Jason’s pronunciation. He’s got a cool tone and rasp, but I cannot understand a dang word he is saying. Jordan then tackles “I’m Telling You I’m Not Going,” which is gutsy due to the grandiosity of the song, but I can respect her telling the judges that she ain’t leaving…If only it were that easy.

Kelly is speechless for the first time ever on this show and practically twitching over the prospect of sending one of her kids home. The other judges praise them both with lots of cheese and clichés before we learn that they have booted our favorite pink-haired contestant. Robin Thicke has a major case of the sadz over this elimination, and Jordan makes the faces of someone I would not want to meet in a dark alley.

Thinking of great movie songs, I just realized I’m disappointed that no one sang “Somewhere Out There” from the Fievel movie. Le sigh. Next week, we’re taking on the songs of the past decade, so I’ve got my fingers crossed for some decent music. However, this is “Duets,” so I shouldn’t get my hopes up. Going into the live shows, J. Rome is clearly the “I’ll Have Another” of this competition. It’s his contest to lose. We shall see…

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2. Review: Duets: Third Time’s the Charm
3. Review: Duets – It Takes Two (Again)

We launch right into a brief recap and Quasimodo tells us that the chart is “fresh” this week. Does that mean that the last three weeks were combined together into a cumulative score to make up the leaderboard? That would make sense, but then what happened to Johnny Gray’s (who?!) score? Is Quddus just making up the rules as we go along? I still don’t get it.

The teenybopper in me squeals for Jason, who is opening with The Rolling Stones classic, “Satisfaction.” Kelly attempts to give Jason dancing lessons, and I’m sorry Miss Clarkson, I am fo’ real…Anyway, I love you and all, but I am one of the five people who has seen From Justin to Kelly. Dance ain’t your strong suit. Once they hit the stage, I’m wondering why Jason always rolls up the sleeves of his jackets. Why bother to even wear a jacket if you’re just going to roll up the sleeves? Anyways, this is far and away Jason’s best performance and he works the stage pretty well. When we go to the judges, we learn that, once again John Legend forgot to take his happy pills.

Next up is John Legend, Bridget Carrington and her giant hoop earrings. I find myself hoping that her ears don’t get stretched out. She and John talk about how the tears won the show last week, and surprise, we learn that John is not much of a crier. In fact, he’s not much of an emoter at all. Apparently his designer forgot to install tear ducts when they created him. When she hits the stage, Bridget replaces her signature hoops with simple studs, but she instead sports a giant flower on her neck and some sort of cape. This outfit would make Lisa Turtle proud. They are singing Donna Summer’s classic, “Last Dance” and the dancers behind them seem to think it may be their last time on the stage. This song reminds me of all those awkward middle school dances where the boys would wait for this song to finally make a move. And by move, I mean an awkward minute of swaying a ruler’s length apart before some awkward fast dancing. Anyways, the judges talk about how hot John is, and all I can think about is how he looks like a Jim Henson creation. Sigh, Bridget steals first place away from my imaginary TV boyfriend, Jason.

We learn that J.Rome doesn’t want to be rich, he just wants to be a positive person. That’s a good start because I doubt the winner of this show will become rich. He is singing Michael Jackson’s “P.Y.T.” under a disco ball that is seriously the size of Pluto. (Does anyone know the current status of Pluto’s planethood?) It’s clear that J. Rome is clearly the most comfortable of all the contestants on stage and studied at the school of MJ. It’s good in a total impersonation sort of way, but this wouldn’t be a full “Duets” recap if I didn’t comment on Jennifer Nettles’s outfit. Today her striped pants scream lion trainer at the zoo. I feel like she needs a top hat and maybe some tap shoes. The camera cuts to a cringing Kelly Clarkson, and I wonder if she’s having flashbacks to Justin Guarini’s fro-flipping rendition of this song back on Season 1 of American Idol. Seriously, imagine if that guy had won Idol. I reckon that the world would be a much sadder place today. Surprise, Surprise J. Rome takes first place yet again, and I’m left to wonder if he’s paying off John & Robin.

Robin Thicke only has one partner left so he brings his son Julian to rehearsals. Julian is totally adorbs and I would vote for him if I could, and maybe the kid is the reason for Robin’s Jimmy-Neutron-do. He and Olivia Chisholm are performing Al Green’s ”Let’s Stay Together,” and I’m not sure what kinds of weird parties Robin goes to, but I certainly wouldn’t declare this a party song. The stage is all smoky and there are fake(?) martinis on an oddly placed table. Robin and Olivia are both breathy and underwhelming, despite the overwhelming amounts of smoke emanating from the stage. Maybe the dry ice got in their lungs because this is.not.good. This performance has little in the way of redeeming qualities and I only hope that when Olivia inevitably gets voted off in the next few weeks, Robin bestows his golden microphone upon her. She takes last place.

Jordan Meredith is up next, tackling “I Love Rock and Roll” by Joan Jett. I hope this performance ends up more like drunken karaoke than Britney Spears in “Crossroads,” but it falls somewhere in the middle. For this performance, it seems ol’ KC borrowed one of Jennifer Nettles space vests, but I’m even more distracted by the dancers running around the stage like they’re playing Guitar Hero. Jordan seems to have lost some of her confidence from last week, but she has adopted Kelly’s awkward habit of clapping with her elbow. The judges blame the restraint on Jordan’s heels and although I appreciate her hygienic decision to wear shoes, there’s a happy medium between bare feet and hooker heels. Wardrobe, get this girl some Converse, stat.

John and Meleana are tackling a secret song by one of the judges and I’m immediately praying they don’t tackle a Kelly Clarkson song. It just doesn’t bode well…and here they go with “Since U Been Gone.” Well, clearly they go to the same parties as me. Yikes, perhaps this should be called “Since U Been Terrible.” At times, it actually sounds like they are singing this song underwater. Seriously, It takes guts to massacre a Kelly Clarkson song when you’re standing 5 feet away from her. Neither John or Meleana have the range to do this song justice, and no one would’ve blamed Kelly Clarkson if she flung her judging tablet of doom at them. She barely squeaks in ahead of Olivia on the scoreboard.

Last but not least, we have Team Jennifer’s John Glosson, who is rehearsing wearing the brightest green pants I have ever seen. Seriously, chartreuse does not even begin to describe them. They are singing “Life is a Highway,” and I wonder if this performance is going to prove what I’ve suspected all along – that he’s just Gary LeVox in a mask. If you were wondering what a duet would sound like between Rascal Flatts and Sugarland, this would be it. Vocally, he’s stellar again, but he moves like that creepy Oogachaka Baby that was all the rage when the Internet was first invented and Ally McBeal was on TV. Despite the awkward dancing, he’s safely in third place.

For our acapella showdown, we have John’s partner, Meleana Brown up first with “Saving All My Love For You.” I can’t claimed to have a trained ear, but this sounds flatter than Flat Stanley. Robin’s partner, Olivia is up next with “I Can’t Make You Love Me,” and frankly, she doesn’t. Despite the fact that she’s singing acapella, she almost seems to go all Milli Vanilli with a skipping track, as she repeats “don’t patronize me” three times. Ironic.

By some odd twist of fate (or perhaps producer interference to not completely eliminate Robin so soon), Meleana bites the dust. If “Duets” was Fight Club, Meleana broke the first rule. You don’t sing a Kelly Clarkson song on a reality singing show. It almost always means certain death.

Next week, we’ll take on songs from the movies. The preview shows J. Rome tackling Whitney and we can only hope that John Glosson opts to take on “Pool Party Madness” from the classic, From Justin To Kelly. Until next week…..

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After a brief recap from our host, Kudos (Do they still make Kudos bars? I loved them in elementary school…), we’re off running with Team Robin. Sir Fluffy Hair sits his team down for some “girl talk.” What’s the deal with this guy? One second he’s grinding against their legs, and the next, he’s trying to braid their hair and play Dream Phone. Robin also declares that he was “born an underdog.” Dude, you’re dad was on “Growing Pains” and your mom was a singer who starred on “Days of Our Lives”…Underdog my butt. His first partner of the night is Alexis Foster, who once again forgot to wear pants. She’s tackling “Killing Me Softly” and the only thing I can think about as this performance begins is how their silhouettes look like those creepy commercials for that new reality show, “The Glass House.” Robin’s falsetto adds nothing to this song, but his creepy grunts and moans add even less. They’re killing me softly with this song.

Jennifer Nettles and Graham Elliot from Master Chef are up next. I’m confused as to how he escaped Gordon Ramsay’s clutches, but that’s the only joke I’ll make about John Glosson who takes us to church with “How Great Thou Art.” Jennifer tells us “you can’t rush Jesus” and I want her to be my best friend – except, I’d be embarrassed to be seen out in public with her because she has a penchant for wearing weird clothing. Tonight is no exception as she appears to be wearing some variation on angel wings. The outfit is fitting since John is performing in honor of his deceased brother. They sound all kinds of incredible together. Kelly remarks that she’s secretly plotting on how to get him off the show, and once again, therein lies the problem with a voting system where you judge your competition. Despite that, he jumps to first place and it’s clear that those threats were in jest.

Jordan Meredith is up next, tackling Miranda Lambert‘s “Mama’s Broken Heart” alongside of her idol/mentor/life coach, Kelly Clarkson. It’s clear that Jordan took Kelly’s advice to heart this week because this isn’t the same girl who has been on the show the past few weeks. She braves all kinds of foot fungus by performing barefoot, but they bring the sass hardcore. At times, they both appear to be possessed by some sort of man-hating, foot-stomping demon, but seizure-inducing stage lights aside, this performance is actually pretty fantastic. My only problem is that I feel like Jordan’s tattoo needs a microphone of its own and that the show should be renamed “Trios” to accommodate its performance. Jordan jumps into second place.

John Legend and competition latecomer Meleana Brown are tackling Alicia Keys’ “If I Ain’t Got You,” and our Lilo-lookalike looks like a different person this week in her sleek white pantsuit. The way John Legend moves his mouth distracts me during this performance and he looks like some sort of odd puppet. Stitch, is that you? They sound great together, but the performance falls a little flat for me. Not good, not bad…just meh. It’s meh-ness puts her into third place.

I think Olivia Chisholm might be the most boring contestant on this show, so she opts to take on one of the most charismatic performers and iconic songs, Beyonce and “Crazy in Love.” Dressed like the “Dancing with the Stars” mirror ball, she takes the stage alongside of Fonzie Thicke. Fonzie takes on Jay-Z’s portion of the song and it comes off like some cheesy hype man at a Bar Mitzvah somewhere in New Jersey. The performance is surprisingly entertaining, but I’m not sure whether it’s due to Olivia or the fact that she picked a great song and has a swarm of backup dancers.

J. Rome & Jennifer are singing “How Am I Supposed to Live Without You,” and he’s dedicating it to his deceased grandfather. This is going to be emotional for him. It’s also going to be emotional for me because this song always reminds me of Zack and Kelly’s breakup at the prom…Damn you, Jeff! While it’s hard to compete with Jessie and Slater, Jennifer and J. Rome slay this song. How am I supposed to write a snarky review with performances like this?! Jennifer, J. Rome and the rest of the superstahs are all a blubbery mess and if I had a a heart, I assume I would be as well. J. Rome takes first place for the third week in a row.

The Bieber-squeal-worthy Jason Farol is up next, and we learn that he auditioned from his car so his parents wouldn’t hear him singing. KC brings in Jason’s dad who gets all teary-eyed as the two tackle one of the most over-covered songs on the planet, “Hallelujah” by Leonard Cohen. They sound great, but Jason needs some of the confidence juice that Kelly gave Jordan to really shine. In the most baffling critique of the night, John the Muppet criticizes Jason’s pronunciation. Hello, Pot, meet Kettle

Closing the show is Miss Hoop Earrings herself, Bridget Carrington with Mr. Mumbler. For the first time, we see the “Duets” band on the stage and these two deliver another solid performance. Kelly says that this girl shines so bright, but I think that it’s just her tinfoil-striped dress. She falls squarely in the middle of the board, grabbing fourth place.

It’s now time for the ominous “show down” between the bottom two. Jason and Alexis must each sing acapella for a chance to stay in the competition. Jason is up first with a rather impressive version of “Me and Mrs. Jones” that stuns Jennifer Nettles. Methinks she wants to be his Mrs. Jones. Pantsless Alexis takes on “Natural Woman” and it’s all kinds of pitchy. In my untalented and untrained opinion, Jason should stay and the pantsless wonder should be sent home. First, the judges give a cheesy, cliche-filled “don’t give up” talk to the contestants before taking to their tablets of doom to send someone packing.

Our host Caboodle, wearing an unusually shiny suit, needs to take some lessons from Mr. Seacrest and work on creating the elimination tension in the studio. For a second, it looks like Kelly Clarkson thinks that SHE is the one possible being voted off the “duets” island. Nope, our first casualty is Team Robin member, Alexis Foster.

Duets, you’ve redeemed yourself tonight. In fact, I suspect that if this episode had been the first of the season, this show would be a much bigger hit. The judging is still flawed and John and Robin’s teams sorta blend together, but consistent contestants like John and J.Rome and underdogs like Jordan and Jason make it worth watching. They also make it clear that the best contestants are those whose names start with J.

Next week, we’re tackling party songs on Wednesday, so put on your party pants (even you, Alexis!) and join us for more tears, more cheese and more obscure Saved by the Bell references!

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The show quickly launched into the live music, focusing only a bit of time on the audition process, which seemed to be random and at the superstars’ discretion. Team Jennifer hit the stage first and although we may have snarked a bit over her partner J. Rome’s cheesy photo on ABC’s website, the New Jersey native proves to be a vocal powerhouse, shining alongside Nettles on the Sugarland song “Tonight.” The audience and the judges love it (a common theme of the evening) and the show is off with a bang. We’re only one performance in and I’m already convinced that ABC picked the perfect ambassador to make country music shine on this show with Jennifer Nettles.

The smooth stylings of the Johns-squared were up next with John Legend and his amateur partner Johnny Gray taking on Legend’s “Ordinary People.” It’s cool and confident, and Kelly finds him sexy (another common theme of the evening). Robin Thicke and his partner, that unfortunate hairdo…erm, Olivia Chisholm, continue the smooth and sexy theme with “Lost Without You,” and it’s okay enough, but a bit boring.

Kelly Clarkson and the adorably emotional Jason Farol take the stage next, after an awesome audition that involved performing at a sold-out Clarkson concert in San Diego, to perform “Breaking Your Own Heart.” With a theme of greatest hits, I can’t help but wonder why Kelly and this Jason didn’t tackle “Don’t You Wanna Stay” instead. Perhaps he felt funny rocking Aldean’s typical tight pants and over-sized cowboy hat? Farol is clearly nervous but his voice blends well with Clarkson, who seems to serve as more a backup singer than duet partner. While we admire her restraint, we couldn’t help but miss her trademark wail. Farol hops into fourth place.

Round 2 begins with John Legend choosing Bridget Carrington, and I’m personally relieved that he didn’t choose the Shirley Temple lookalike who loves Farmville and pandas. Although I’d have killed for a duet of “On the Good Ship Lollipop” after that awkward audition, the pair choose “Tonight (Best You Ever Had)” and it’s one of the finer vocal moments of the evening. It makes the judges all want to make out…and I’m uncomfortable.

Team Jennifer is up next, and Nettles finds her endearing bespectacled teddy bear of a duet partner, John Glosson, in her own backyard, pointing out that he sings at her “Nanny’s” church. Although the prospect of “Stay” as a duet made me nervous initially, those fears were immediately calmed when the duo began singing. Amen, praise Jesus, THIS is the performance I was waiting for. The two take it to church, Clarkson cries and calls Glosson an angel, and America gasps in shock as he only pulls a score strong enough for third place.

Hoping Jennifer’s holy inspiration will rub off, Robin and his Brandon Walsh-do find their next partner, Alexis Foster, in a gospel church. Frankly, I hate everything about his performance of “Magic” and have no idea how the heck it knocks Glosson out of 3rd place. Maybe someone should remind the judges that this isn’t golf and low scores are not a good thing.

Once again, Team Kelly closes the round, and although the show doesn’t flat out say it, it’s clear that they’re using her star power to keep the show afloat. Compare the length of her audition segments to anyone else’s and you’ll see what I mean. Clarkson chooses super fan, Jordan Meredith, with her unfortunate hair and killer voice, as her duet partner. I can’t help but wonder if she was trying to “pull a Reba” and take a fan under her proverbial wing. (We all know how well that Reba-relationship worked out for Clarkson…) The duet livens up the show and although the task is a lofty one, Jordan manages to hold her own alongside Kelly. Yet, she somehow winds up in 7th place, just ahead of teammate Jason Farol. Kelly is visibly annoyed with the results, and I can’t help but wonder if the other judges may have had it out for the original American Idol.

Pimping the show out as the only singing competition where the judges actually compete was accurate, but I can’t help but wonder how much competition was on the stage and how much was occurring as they keyed in their mysterious scores on their fancy shmancy judging tablets of doom. The judging system definitely needs tweaking (I vote Dancing-With-the-Stars-esque paddles) and more well-known songs to increase the appeal (No more Robin Thicke songs, please), but despite the kinks in the premiere episode, I can’t wait to tune in again next week.

And although I previously had my money on Clarkson taking the whole thing, Team Jennifer is clearly the dark horse here.

Final standings were: 1) J Rome; 2) Johnny Gray; 3) Alexis Foster; 4) John Glosson; 5) Olivia Chisholm; 6) Bridget Carrington; 7) Jordan Meredith; 8) Jason Farol

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