We launch right into a brief recap and Quasimodo tells us that the chart is “fresh” this week. Does that mean that the last three weeks were combined together into a cumulative score to make up the leaderboard? That would make sense, but then what happened to Johnny Gray’s (who?!) score? Is Quddus just making up the rules as we go along? I still don’t get it.

The teenybopper in me squeals for Jason, who is opening with The Rolling Stones classic, “Satisfaction.” Kelly attempts to give Jason dancing lessons, and I’m sorry Miss Clarkson, I am fo’ real…Anyway, I love you and all, but I am one of the five people who has seen From Justin to Kelly. Dance ain’t your strong suit. Once they hit the stage, I’m wondering why Jason always rolls up the sleeves of his jackets. Why bother to even wear a jacket if you’re just going to roll up the sleeves? Anyways, this is far and away Jason’s best performance and he works the stage pretty well. When we go to the judges, we learn that, once again John Legend forgot to take his happy pills.

Next up is John Legend, Bridget Carrington and her giant hoop earrings. I find myself hoping that her ears don’t get stretched out. She and John talk about how the tears won the show last week, and surprise, we learn that John is not much of a crier. In fact, he’s not much of an emoter at all. Apparently his designer forgot to install tear ducts when they created him. When she hits the stage, Bridget replaces her signature hoops with simple studs, but she instead sports a giant flower on her neck and some sort of cape. This outfit would make Lisa Turtle proud. They are singing Donna Summer’s classic, “Last Dance” and the dancers behind them seem to think it may be their last time on the stage. This song reminds me of all those awkward middle school dances where the boys would wait for this song to finally make a move. And by move, I mean an awkward minute of swaying a ruler’s length apart before some awkward fast dancing. Anyways, the judges talk about how hot John is, and all I can think about is how he looks like a Jim Henson creation. Sigh, Bridget steals first place away from my imaginary TV boyfriend, Jason.

We learn that J.Rome doesn’t want to be rich, he just wants to be a positive person. That’s a good start because I doubt the winner of this show will become rich. He is singing Michael Jackson’s “P.Y.T.” under a disco ball that is seriously the size of Pluto. (Does anyone know the current status of Pluto’s planethood?) It’s clear that J. Rome is clearly the most comfortable of all the contestants on stage and studied at the school of MJ. It’s good in a total impersonation sort of way, but this wouldn’t be a full “Duets” recap if I didn’t comment on Jennifer Nettles’s outfit. Today her striped pants scream lion trainer at the zoo. I feel like she needs a top hat and maybe some tap shoes. The camera cuts to a cringing Kelly Clarkson, and I wonder if she’s having flashbacks to Justin Guarini’s fro-flipping rendition of this song back on Season 1 of American Idol. Seriously, imagine if that guy had won Idol. I reckon that the world would be a much sadder place today. Surprise, Surprise J. Rome takes first place yet again, and I’m left to wonder if he’s paying off John & Robin.

Robin Thicke only has one partner left so he brings his son Julian to rehearsals. Julian is totally adorbs and I would vote for him if I could, and maybe the kid is the reason for Robin’s Jimmy-Neutron-do. He and Olivia Chisholm are performing Al Green’s ”Let’s Stay Together,” and I’m not sure what kinds of weird parties Robin goes to, but I certainly wouldn’t declare this a party song. The stage is all smoky and there are fake(?) martinis on an oddly placed table. Robin and Olivia are both breathy and underwhelming, despite the overwhelming amounts of smoke emanating from the stage. Maybe the dry ice got in their lungs because this is.not.good. This performance has little in the way of redeeming qualities and I only hope that when Olivia inevitably gets voted off in the next few weeks, Robin bestows his golden microphone upon her. She takes last place.

Jordan Meredith is up next, tackling “I Love Rock and Roll” by Joan Jett. I hope this performance ends up more like drunken karaoke than Britney Spears in “Crossroads,” but it falls somewhere in the middle. For this performance, it seems ol’ KC borrowed one of Jennifer Nettles space vests, but I’m even more distracted by the dancers running around the stage like they’re playing Guitar Hero. Jordan seems to have lost some of her confidence from last week, but she has adopted Kelly’s awkward habit of clapping with her elbow. The judges blame the restraint on Jordan’s heels and although I appreciate her hygienic decision to wear shoes, there’s a happy medium between bare feet and hooker heels. Wardrobe, get this girl some Converse, stat.

John and Meleana are tackling a secret song by one of the judges and I’m immediately praying they don’t tackle a Kelly Clarkson song. It just doesn’t bode well…and here they go with “Since U Been Gone.” Well, clearly they go to the same parties as me. Yikes, perhaps this should be called “Since U Been Terrible.” At times, it actually sounds like they are singing this song underwater. Seriously, It takes guts to massacre a Kelly Clarkson song when you’re standing 5 feet away from her. Neither John or Meleana have the range to do this song justice, and no one would’ve blamed Kelly Clarkson if she flung her judging tablet of doom at them. She barely squeaks in ahead of Olivia on the scoreboard.

Last but not least, we have Team Jennifer’s John Glosson, who is rehearsing wearing the brightest green pants I have ever seen. Seriously, chartreuse does not even begin to describe them. They are singing “Life is a Highway,” and I wonder if this performance is going to prove what I’ve suspected all along – that he’s just Gary LeVox in a mask. If you were wondering what a duet would sound like between Rascal Flatts and Sugarland, this would be it. Vocally, he’s stellar again, but he moves like that creepy Oogachaka Baby that was all the rage when the Internet was first invented and Ally McBeal was on TV. Despite the awkward dancing, he’s safely in third place.

For our acapella showdown, we have John’s partner, Meleana Brown up first with “Saving All My Love For You.” I can’t claimed to have a trained ear, but this sounds flatter than Flat Stanley. Robin’s partner, Olivia is up next with “I Can’t Make You Love Me,” and frankly, she doesn’t. Despite the fact that she’s singing acapella, she almost seems to go all Milli Vanilli with a skipping track, as she repeats “don’t patronize me” three times. Ironic.

By some odd twist of fate (or perhaps producer interference to not completely eliminate Robin so soon), Meleana bites the dust. If “Duets” was Fight Club, Meleana broke the first rule. You don’t sing a Kelly Clarkson song on a reality singing show. It almost always means certain death.

Next week, we’ll take on songs from the movies. The preview shows J. Rome tackling Whitney and we can only hope that John Glosson opts to take on “Pool Party Madness” from the classic, From Justin To Kelly. Until next week…..

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After a brief recap from our host, Kudos (Do they still make Kudos bars? I loved them in elementary school…), we’re off running with Team Robin. Sir Fluffy Hair sits his team down for some “girl talk.” What’s the deal with this guy? One second he’s grinding against their legs, and the next, he’s trying to braid their hair and play Dream Phone. Robin also declares that he was “born an underdog.” Dude, you’re dad was on “Growing Pains” and your mom was a singer who starred on “Days of Our Lives”…Underdog my butt. His first partner of the night is Alexis Foster, who once again forgot to wear pants. She’s tackling “Killing Me Softly” and the only thing I can think about as this performance begins is how their silhouettes look like those creepy commercials for that new reality show, “The Glass House.” Robin’s falsetto adds nothing to this song, but his creepy grunts and moans add even less. They’re killing me softly with this song.

Jennifer Nettles and Graham Elliot from Master Chef are up next. I’m confused as to how he escaped Gordon Ramsay’s clutches, but that’s the only joke I’ll make about John Glosson who takes us to church with “How Great Thou Art.” Jennifer tells us “you can’t rush Jesus” and I want her to be my best friend – except, I’d be embarrassed to be seen out in public with her because she has a penchant for wearing weird clothing. Tonight is no exception as she appears to be wearing some variation on angel wings. The outfit is fitting since John is performing in honor of his deceased brother. They sound all kinds of incredible together. Kelly remarks that she’s secretly plotting on how to get him off the show, and once again, therein lies the problem with a voting system where you judge your competition. Despite that, he jumps to first place and it’s clear that those threats were in jest.

Jordan Meredith is up next, tackling Miranda Lambert‘s “Mama’s Broken Heart” alongside of her idol/mentor/life coach, Kelly Clarkson. It’s clear that Jordan took Kelly’s advice to heart this week because this isn’t the same girl who has been on the show the past few weeks. She braves all kinds of foot fungus by performing barefoot, but they bring the sass hardcore. At times, they both appear to be possessed by some sort of man-hating, foot-stomping demon, but seizure-inducing stage lights aside, this performance is actually pretty fantastic. My only problem is that I feel like Jordan’s tattoo needs a microphone of its own and that the show should be renamed “Trios” to accommodate its performance. Jordan jumps into second place.

John Legend and competition latecomer Meleana Brown are tackling Alicia Keys’ “If I Ain’t Got You,” and our Lilo-lookalike looks like a different person this week in her sleek white pantsuit. The way John Legend moves his mouth distracts me during this performance and he looks like some sort of odd puppet. Stitch, is that you? They sound great together, but the performance falls a little flat for me. Not good, not bad…just meh. It’s meh-ness puts her into third place.

I think Olivia Chisholm might be the most boring contestant on this show, so she opts to take on one of the most charismatic performers and iconic songs, Beyonce and “Crazy in Love.” Dressed like the “Dancing with the Stars” mirror ball, she takes the stage alongside of Fonzie Thicke. Fonzie takes on Jay-Z’s portion of the song and it comes off like some cheesy hype man at a Bar Mitzvah somewhere in New Jersey. The performance is surprisingly entertaining, but I’m not sure whether it’s due to Olivia or the fact that she picked a great song and has a swarm of backup dancers.

J. Rome & Jennifer are singing “How Am I Supposed to Live Without You,” and he’s dedicating it to his deceased grandfather. This is going to be emotional for him. It’s also going to be emotional for me because this song always reminds me of Zack and Kelly’s breakup at the prom…Damn you, Jeff! While it’s hard to compete with Jessie and Slater, Jennifer and J. Rome slay this song. How am I supposed to write a snarky review with performances like this?! Jennifer, J. Rome and the rest of the superstahs are all a blubbery mess and if I had a a heart, I assume I would be as well. J. Rome takes first place for the third week in a row.

The Bieber-squeal-worthy Jason Farol is up next, and we learn that he auditioned from his car so his parents wouldn’t hear him singing. KC brings in Jason’s dad who gets all teary-eyed as the two tackle one of the most over-covered songs on the planet, “Hallelujah” by Leonard Cohen. They sound great, but Jason needs some of the confidence juice that Kelly gave Jordan to really shine. In the most baffling critique of the night, John the Muppet criticizes Jason’s pronunciation. Hello, Pot, meet Kettle

Closing the show is Miss Hoop Earrings herself, Bridget Carrington with Mr. Mumbler. For the first time, we see the “Duets” band on the stage and these two deliver another solid performance. Kelly says that this girl shines so bright, but I think that it’s just her tinfoil-striped dress. She falls squarely in the middle of the board, grabbing fourth place.

It’s now time for the ominous “show down” between the bottom two. Jason and Alexis must each sing acapella for a chance to stay in the competition. Jason is up first with a rather impressive version of “Me and Mrs. Jones” that stuns Jennifer Nettles. Methinks she wants to be his Mrs. Jones. Pantsless Alexis takes on “Natural Woman” and it’s all kinds of pitchy. In my untalented and untrained opinion, Jason should stay and the pantsless wonder should be sent home. First, the judges give a cheesy, cliche-filled “don’t give up” talk to the contestants before taking to their tablets of doom to send someone packing.

Our host Caboodle, wearing an unusually shiny suit, needs to take some lessons from Mr. Seacrest and work on creating the elimination tension in the studio. For a second, it looks like Kelly Clarkson thinks that SHE is the one possible being voted off the “duets” island. Nope, our first casualty is Team Robin member, Alexis Foster.

Duets, you’ve redeemed yourself tonight. In fact, I suspect that if this episode had been the first of the season, this show would be a much bigger hit. The judging is still flawed and John and Robin’s teams sorta blend together, but consistent contestants like John and J.Rome and underdogs like Jordan and Jason make it worth watching. They also make it clear that the best contestants are those whose names start with J.

Next week, we’re tackling party songs on Wednesday, so put on your party pants (even you, Alexis!) and join us for more tears, more cheese and more obscure Saved by the Bell references!

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The show quickly launched into the live music, focusing only a bit of time on the audition process, which seemed to be random and at the superstars’ discretion. Team Jennifer hit the stage first and although we may have snarked a bit over her partner J. Rome’s cheesy photo on ABC’s website, the New Jersey native proves to be a vocal powerhouse, shining alongside Nettles on the Sugarland song “Tonight.” The audience and the judges love it (a common theme of the evening) and the show is off with a bang. We’re only one performance in and I’m already convinced that ABC picked the perfect ambassador to make country music shine on this show with Jennifer Nettles.

The smooth stylings of the Johns-squared were up next with John Legend and his amateur partner Johnny Gray taking on Legend’s “Ordinary People.” It’s cool and confident, and Kelly finds him sexy (another common theme of the evening). Robin Thicke and his partner, that unfortunate hairdo…erm, Olivia Chisholm, continue the smooth and sexy theme with “Lost Without You,” and it’s okay enough, but a bit boring.

Kelly Clarkson and the adorably emotional Jason Farol take the stage next, after an awesome audition that involved performing at a sold-out Clarkson concert in San Diego, to perform “Breaking Your Own Heart.” With a theme of greatest hits, I can’t help but wonder why Kelly and this Jason didn’t tackle “Don’t You Wanna Stay” instead. Perhaps he felt funny rocking Aldean’s typical tight pants and over-sized cowboy hat? Farol is clearly nervous but his voice blends well with Clarkson, who seems to serve as more a backup singer than duet partner. While we admire her restraint, we couldn’t help but miss her trademark wail. Farol hops into fourth place.

Round 2 begins with John Legend choosing Bridget Carrington, and I’m personally relieved that he didn’t choose the Shirley Temple lookalike who loves Farmville and pandas. Although I’d have killed for a duet of “On the Good Ship Lollipop” after that awkward audition, the pair choose “Tonight (Best You Ever Had)” and it’s one of the finer vocal moments of the evening. It makes the judges all want to make out…and I’m uncomfortable.

Team Jennifer is up next, and Nettles finds her endearing bespectacled teddy bear of a duet partner, John Glosson, in her own backyard, pointing out that he sings at her “Nanny’s” church. Although the prospect of “Stay” as a duet made me nervous initially, those fears were immediately calmed when the duo began singing. Amen, praise Jesus, THIS is the performance I was waiting for. The two take it to church, Clarkson cries and calls Glosson an angel, and America gasps in shock as he only pulls a score strong enough for third place.

Hoping Jennifer’s holy inspiration will rub off, Robin and his Brandon Walsh-do find their next partner, Alexis Foster, in a gospel church. Frankly, I hate everything about his performance of “Magic” and have no idea how the heck it knocks Glosson out of 3rd place. Maybe someone should remind the judges that this isn’t golf and low scores are not a good thing.

Once again, Team Kelly closes the round, and although the show doesn’t flat out say it, it’s clear that they’re using her star power to keep the show afloat. Compare the length of her audition segments to anyone else’s and you’ll see what I mean. Clarkson chooses super fan, Jordan Meredith, with her unfortunate hair and killer voice, as her duet partner. I can’t help but wonder if she was trying to “pull a Reba” and take a fan under her proverbial wing. (We all know how well that Reba-relationship worked out for Clarkson…) The duet livens up the show and although the task is a lofty one, Jordan manages to hold her own alongside Kelly. Yet, she somehow winds up in 7th place, just ahead of teammate Jason Farol. Kelly is visibly annoyed with the results, and I can’t help but wonder if the other judges may have had it out for the original American Idol.

Pimping the show out as the only singing competition where the judges actually compete was accurate, but I can’t help but wonder how much competition was on the stage and how much was occurring as they keyed in their mysterious scores on their fancy shmancy judging tablets of doom. The judging system definitely needs tweaking (I vote Dancing-With-the-Stars-esque paddles) and more well-known songs to increase the appeal (No more Robin Thicke songs, please), but despite the kinks in the premiere episode, I can’t wait to tune in again next week.

And although I previously had my money on Clarkson taking the whole thing, Team Jennifer is clearly the dark horse here.

Final standings were: 1) J Rome; 2) Johnny Gray; 3) Alexis Foster; 4) John Glosson; 5) Olivia Chisholm; 6) Bridget Carrington; 7) Jordan Meredith; 8) Jason Farol

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