I’ll blame it on technical difficulties, but I may or may not have missed most of the first episode of “The Voice.” I just assumed (and you know what happens when you assume…) that my DVR would record the show, but alas, that wasn’t the case. I’ll be attempting to catch a repeat sometime soon, but, on to episode two!
Luckily for slackers like me, we get a brief recap of the first episode and I learn that each judge – Christina Aguilera, CeeLo Green, Adam Levine & Blake Shelton – will get teams of 16! Holy cow, what is this, pee-wee soccer?! They each grabbed two contestants in the season premiere, including a guy who sings “Listen” better than Beyonce and a bunch of other random people who sing, cry and have REALLY sad histories.
Our first contestant tonight is 22-year-old Brooklynite, Adriana Louise. I can tell immediately by her tight dress and judges’-chair-matching lipstick that she’s going to garner a creepy CeeLo smile. She wails through Jessie J‘s “Domino,” and all of the judges turn around. CeeLo makes some weird comments about a wedding, but it’s Christina’s finger-wiggling and debut CD (the first Adriana ever bought) that convince her to join “Team XTina.”
Next up, we have a wrestler who is dressed in the most stereotypical country attire a person can possibly wear. I’ll admit that I’m prejudging him both on his name, Casey Muessigmann, (pronounced “Musicman,” natch.) and the fact that someone in his entourage looks eerily similar to Javier Bardem in “No Country For Old Men.” Casey recently lost 100 pounds due to his penchant for singing songs like “Sweet Home Alabama” or maybe it’s due to his awkward butt-slapping dance moves. Either way, both Blake and CeeLo hit their buttons. It’s no surprise to anyone when the butt-slapping, country-crooning Harold Hill joins Team Blake.
Our first one-name-wonder of the episode, Aquile, is up next. We learn that he learned guitar after having his jaw wired shut. Why does everyone who has talent also have a crazy sob story? As soon as he opens his mouth, I swoon and squeal a little. His voice is warm and fuzzy as he puts a soulful take on Sir Elton’s “Your Song.” Adam calls Blake a “dum-dum” for not turning around, while Christina and her boobs admit that they want a “private concert.” Yikes. It’s a tough choice for Aquile between Adam’s tattoos, Cee-Lo’s T-Rex arms and Christina’s boobs?! In typical male fashion, he goes for Team Boobs.
Nashvillian Ryan Fogarty works for LeAnn Rimes, and does important things like put cases of water on her tour bus. Apparently, he also sings and has the LeAnn Rimes stamp of approval. He starts super shaky on Chris Young‘s “Tomorrow” and unfortunately, never quite lives up to the intensity of the song. Blake admits that he spent the whole song comparing him to Chris Young, and he came up short. It’s back to being LeAnn’s slave for Ryan.
Following in Ryan’s lackluster footsteps, we are treated to a few more snips of performers that weren’t quite good enough. However, the One-Direction version of Harry Potter is up next, and my prediction is awesomeness. He almost died from congestive heart failure from a crazy heart-attacking virus, but he’s better now and wearing awesome red pants. His name is Mackenzie Bourg, and he’s doing an acoustic version of Foster the People‘s “Pumped Up Kicks.” It takes awhile, but CeeLo turns around, and Harry leaves Hogwarts for Cee-Lo’s magical pink-parroted lair.
Last up tonight is Julio Cesar Castillo, a Mariachi singer dressed like McKinley High’s resident mariachi singer. He says he wants to break away from that style of music, but the proceeds to sing “La Bamba.” I can’t even think of “La Bamba,” without having flashbacks to high school Spanish and watching that Lou Diamond Phillips movie about Richie Valens. Blake turns around immediately, followed be CeeLo. I can’t say I comprende what’s happening, but there’s no denying that Julio has a great tone to his voice. In what might be the most interesting pairing of the season, he joins Team Blake. Ole!
Carson reminds us that Episode 3 will be on tomorrow, and we get a quick recap of who’s on whose team. All I catch is that Christina has 2 people whose names rhyme! See ya tomorrow!